The Osmose Collection

Special Thanks to Tom Buzz for this archive

I can't wait for this year's O'Leary show commercial . . .
Posted by GT J.T. on April 17, 1997 at 11:49:35: from sarnoff.ge.com
In Reply to: Re: Osmose(r) & Dolly references? Correction posted by Osmose(r) on April 17, 1997 at 11:36:49:

Yes, you are correct sir we should definitely use the Registered Trademark inclusion. My mate GTDennis is in charge of this kinda stuff. I'm not going to use it until he mandates it as company policy.

I think this year's yellow tag commercial should include my hero Jimmy Raine and the Enormous O sitting at a computer talking about the Internet. Last year's with the kid getting the yellow football signed by our Enormous O (God love him!!) with a yellow marker focused on the fatherly side of the Enormous O. This year it should be focused on the Internet (the Enormous O's new hobby) as well as eating (the Enormous O's favorite all-time hobby). The scene is set... They are finishing up 14 or 15 Chick-Fil-A sandwiches (see if Chick-Fil-A [to hell with their trademark] will contribute since we are getting some shots of their product in there as well) when Raine turns to the Enormous O and says in his South Georgia twang . . . "You know Coach, I just loooooove this internet thing."

The Enormous O responds . . .
"Yeah Jimmy, almost as much as I love eating and building with pressure-treated wood from Osmose."

Then Raine will say...
"Right coach, you're building a winner at Tech and we're building with Osmose pressure-treated wood."

Then the Enormous O will say...
"Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you want to build a deck on your house large enough for a barbeque grill to feed 3,000 people like I did, use pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if it don't have the yellow tag on it, you don't want it."

And Raine will end up saying...
"Hey, does this computer have a yellow tag on it?"

Osmose Entry

Posted by Midatlantech on July 03, 1997 at 11:39:06: from ww-tj28.proxy.aol.com

My Latest Osmose Entry:

Scene: Grant Field, November 1912. A Tech Player just fumbled giving the ball over to an Orange Team. HEISMAN (Played by O'Leary, grabbing the player's make believe face mask): "Raine, that's the last time you're going to fumble for me. HIT THE PINE." Raine, goes and sits down on the bench, bending the rotting wood severely.

CUT TO Present: Fade in on the scoreboard. Tech 21, ND 3. Scroll over to Raine who is still sitting on the bench, talking to no one in particular.

RAINE: " Yea, my great granddaddy Jimmy played for Coach Heisman, but he got hurt with a bad splinter once, what with that old non-treated pine. And my Granddaddy Jimmy, well he played for Coach Alexander, and he actually fell through the bench once due to dry rot. And my Daddy Jimmy, he played for Coach Dodd, but got hurt too on that old technology wood."

Grant Field Fans: "OSMOSE, OSMOSE, OSMOSE"

Tech offensive linemen: "OSMOSE, OSMOSE, OSMOSE"

All: "OSMOSE, OSMOSE, OSMOSE"

CUT TO O'LEARY:

O'LEARY: "Ah, heck." Turning to Raine he says: "RUDY er Raine. Get in there" Raine jumps off of the sturdy, pressure-treated beautiful Osmose Wood, accidentally yanking off the yellow label which is stuck to his pants. Raine runs in and makes the big quarterback sack to finish the game with the yellow label stuck to his larger than life britches. (Much cheering and jubilation.)

O'LEARY (shaking his head): "If it doesn't have the Osmose label...."

Cut to the label again with Raine being hoisted up by players and fans.

Osmose commercial # 37.

Posted by Tom Buzz

The scene: a darkened room, lit only by a single lamp on a desk. A pile of Southern Osmose pressure-treated two-by-fours are stacked in the corner. Jimmy Raine and BigBee are talking to Billy Bob Thornton, done up as his "Karl Childers" character from the movie "Sling Blade."

Jimmy: Coach, this here's Karl Childers, and he played some defensive line for Little Rock Central in Arkansas. He could be a mighty fine prospect for your program. Now, don't try to interview him. Just let him tell his story.

BigBee: Awright.

Karl: Well sir, my daddy was a hard-working man most of his life, and he worked at the sawmill owned by Mr. Raine. Old Man Raine, we called him. Daddy sawed a lot of Southern Osmose pressure-treated lumber, uh-hmmmm. The boys on the football team had their sport with me, but after I split a few heads with a lawn-mower blade, that liked to took care of that problem, uh-hmmmm. We wuz playing Clinton High School when their quarterback kept havin' his way with us. He was just a-passin' that ball ever which way, uh-hmmmmm. Coach hollered at me to do somethin' about it, so I reached behind the bench and got me one of them-there kaiser blades. Some folks call it a sling blade; I call it a kaiser blade. It's got a handle sorta like a ax-handle, and a blade on the other end shaped like a bananner, dull on one side, sharp on the other. So I hit that quarterback upside the head with the handle and he went down. Then I took the pointy end and I swung right at his neck - cut him into 622 little pieces. He didn't complete no more passes after that, uh-hmmmm.

BigBee: Well. That's quite a story, Karl. Let me test your basic knowledge of football. (BigBee holds a football in front of Karl's face) Tell me, Karl, can you pass this?

Karl: Coach, if I can eat it, I reckon I can pass it.

Jimmy: You gotta love that fightin' spirit!

BigBee: Remember, if it doesn't have the yellow tag, you don't want it. And if you buy it without the yellow tag, you'll have to deal with Karl!

Karl (sharpening the edge of a sling blade): I reckon so, uh-hmmmm.

An Osmose Entry (with German/Luxembourgish flavor)

Posted by GT J.T. on July 11, 1997 at 11:40:18: from jet.euro.ge.com

As I'm looking out this picturesque view of the mountains of lovely Luxembourg with one eye and trying to peek up the skirt of a 6'4" brunette with the other eye...I give you yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial with a Eurpoean twist to it...We set the scene with Jimmy Raine and the Big O eating sausages, potatoes, and drinking BitBurgerPils beer while sitting outside of a hotel with the mountains in the background...

Raine: You know Coach, I suuuuure do like this here place called Luxemville.

Big O: That's LuxemBOURG, Jimmy.

Raine: Right, Coach. How's 'bout you and me goin' over there and giving them two dominatrix bitches some slaps on the fannies with some pressure-treated wood from Osmose.

Big O: Yeah, that's a good idea Jimmy. I love this place. Our fat asses fit right in here, don't they? (Big O now turning to the camera...) Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you want to spank the fat asses of some German dominatrix bitches while eating sausages and drinking German brew, make sure you do it with pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if it ain't got the yellow tag on it, you're using some bamboo shit or something from Thailand, probably.

We end the scene with Raine being spanked with Osmose wood by three German dominatrix bitches and Raine with nothing on but leather and a black leather biker's cap!!

Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial (TJ & DJ inspired me!)

Posted by GT J.T. on July 15, 1997 at 10:53:04: from pearl.ge.com

Osmose Pressure-Treated Wood, the official sponsor of Georgia Tech Athletic Apparel...

We set the scene with our hero Jimmy Raine on Grant Field watching a practice and talking with the Big O -- our other hero.

Raine: "Hey Coach, how do you like these here new shoes made out of pressure-treated wood from Osmose?"

Big O: "I don't. We look like a bunch of Dutch maids out there. How the hell do you guys expect us to run the option with wooden shoes?"

(*Note: The option comment was an obvious embellishment since it really is a QB sweep by Lil' Joe, as we all know!)

Raine: "Well Coach, these shoes are made from a new compound from the Chemical Engineering Labs here at Georgia Tech. They are lighter, more durable, and we're even building a special heavy shoe for the kickers so that we can make a field goal beyond 30 yards this year."

Big O: "Really Jimmy? I didn't know that. Can you tell me more?"

Raine: "Sure thing Coach. The helmets are made of wood and we used a good wood stain to get them there colors on the jerseys and yeller britches to look juuuuuust right...plus the other teams is gonna hate tackling our guys with all the splinters they gonna git. Even the guy's pads and cups are made of wood."

Big O: "Good God! (now looking into the camera...) Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you want high quality Georgia Tech apparel...well, look for the Osmose logo. Remember, if it ain't got Jimmy's face with BBQ sauce on the side of it stitched onto your clothes, believe me, you don't want it."

After the commercial shoot, the Big O to Beekeeper and his staff..."What the F--- is this world coming to? Wooden clothes? Somebody please shoot me!"

Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial...

Posted by GT J.T. on July 15, 1997 at 15:51:37: from pearl.ge.com

In Reply to: GTJT, There has to be an Osmose commercial in this somewhere... posted by LejBee on July 15, 1997 at 15:35:23:

Your wish is my command.

We set the scene at the new GT Aquatics Center with Jimmy Raine and his fat ass hanging out of a pair of Speedos and scuba diving equipment on with the Big O walking up to talk to him...

Big O: "Hey Jimmy, whatcha doin'?"

Raine (you can't even see his Speedos or Johnson because the fat is hanging to his knees): "Oh hey, Coach. I'm just doin' me a little underwater basket weaving."

Big O: "Really? What are ya weaving today Jimmy?"

Raine: "I'm weaving me a barbeque sandwich."

Big O: "Do what Jimmy? A barbeque sandwich?"

Raine: "Yes sir, this here pressure-treated wood from Osmose tastes pretty good. I eat it all the time. Can't ya tell? And with it looking like a BBQ sandwich I'll think it's as goooooooood as homemade."

Big O: "But why underwater, Jimmy?"

Raine: "Why not, Coach?"

Big O: "Whatever. (now looking at the camera...) Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you want to do something ridiculously stoopid, don't try bungie jumping...try underwater basket weaving with pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if you are weaving underwater with something other than Osmose, you probably are using some shit from Lowe's or something."

We end the scene with Raine eating an Osmose woven basket in the shape of a BBQ sandwich with, of course, Jimmy sitting on a bench with his Speedos on, fat gut hanging freely and, of course, with BBQ sauce on his face.

Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial...

Posted by GT J.T. on July 15, 1997 at 15:01:04: from sarnoff.ge.com

Disclaimer: I do not support the concept of felching. It is very dangerous. Don't ask me how I know this. I would of course perform acts of felching with the right person like....Ernest Borgnine -- he's gorgeous.

We set the scene with our heroes, Raine and the Big O, in the Architecture Labs at the NATS at about 4:00 in the morning. (As we alums all know, this can be a scary sight and place...even Robert Smith of The Cure won't go there.)

Big O: "Hey Jimmy, whaddya doin'?"

Raine: "Oh, just helping Chi Chi and Biff stick gerbils up their butts."

Big O: "Huh? Do what?"

Raine: "Yep, we're using this here pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Makes that entry smoooooooooth."

Big O: "Looks pretty disgusting to me, Jimmy."

Raine: "Yeah I guess so Coach, but after 4 or 5 times it becomes quite a rush."

Big O (while watching an entry): "Good God! (now looking at the camera...) Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you want to help a couple of faaaaaaaaaags named Chi Chi and Biff stick gerbils up their anus, make sure you use pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if you're getting splinters in your ass, it ain't Osmose and you don't want it."

We end the scene with Chi Chi (played by Hugh Hardison) screaming in agony and the Big O shaking his head in disbelief while laughing.

Gladly....yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial...

Posted by GT J.T. on July 16, 1997 at 09:41:56: from pearl.ge.com

In Reply to: J.T., there's got to be an Osmose commercial in there somewhere! posted by TennJacket on July 16, 1997 at 09:03:00:

We set the scene with our heroes Jimmy and the Big O outside a dump of a home in suburban Atlanta. Raine is playing the part of an Emergency Medical Response Assistant and the Big O is passing by...Hugh Hardison will play the part of a poor bastard with a UGA cap on who has cuts and blood all over him from a motorcycle accident as well as smoke rising out of his crack.

Big O: "Hey Jimmy, whatcha doin'?"

Raine: "Oh hey, Coach. We're just getting this dumbass dawg on the stretcher."

Big O: "Well Jimmy, he looks kinda bad. What happened to him?"

Raine: "Well Coach, a couple things. First, he decided to show his wife how brave he is by driving his motor bike through one of them there sliding glass doors."

Big O: "Really? He IS a dumbass isn't he?"

Raine: "Yep. And we think his wife might be his sister because they suuuuuuuure do look a lot alike, Coach."

Big O: "Well Jimmy, you said two things happened."

Raine: "Oh yeah Coach, I almost forgot. This is the second time we been out heah. Yep. We got him all cleaned up from his Evil Knievel exercise and then he comes home and decides to light some farts in his bathroom."

Big O: "Really? What a dumbass."

Raine: "Burned that ass boy!"

Big O (now starting to actually talk like Raine with of course his New England twang...Jimmy has that kind of effect): "Where you boys gone take him now?"

Raine: "Well Coach, thanks to pressure-treated wood from Osmose, this here stretcher will hold him up juuuuuuust fine. Then we gone take him down to the Burn Unit at Grady Hospital. They gone laugh their ass off when they see this boy."

Raine and the Big O start laughing....and about that moment, they drop this poor bastard on the street.

Big O: "Let me help you there Jimmy. (now looking into the camera...) Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you are injured from driving your motorcycle through a glass window to impress your woman or even if you have an accident to your ass from flames coming out of your toilet, you want the stretcher that will carry your smoking ass to be made from pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if that stretcher breaks it is either because you are even fatter than Jimmy OR because it ain't Osmose."

We end the scene with the Big O successfully lighting a Jimmy Raine fart and the two of them laughing.

IndyDawg(tm)'s Osmose entry

Posted by GT Dennis(tm) on July 16, 1997 at 13:39:47: from hancockd.eglin.af.mil

This is my shot for a BigBee/Osmose/Jimmy "The Chunk" Raine commercial.

The scene is a recruiting trip through South Georgia, with BigBee and his top assistant (played by Raine) driving through Sapalatchee, Ga. to check out the newest hot prospect from the Sapalatchee system, a lineman by the name of Otis Buttdarts.

Raine: I sure am hungry coach! Why don't we stop over there at Billy Joe Jim Fred Bob's Eat Burger and Fill Dirt and get us a mess of ribs?

Coach: Okay, just don't send the damn GTAA's expense account into the red this time.

They get their mess of vittles and sit down at the picnic tables outside to eat. Raine sits down and suddenly jumps a full four feet in the air.

Raine: Well goddamn Coach, this here bench has a splinter in it! It must be some cheap as schitt wood from Lowe's or Furrow. Osmose pressure-treated wood never splinters, and provides a firm, comfortable resting place for my lard ass 365 days a year, come rain, sleet or snow!

BigBee: Sew it up, you crying sack of cellulite. Let me eat my damn ribs. Man, I wish there was a Chick-Fil-A here.

Suddenlly, Hillary Clinton and Mountain Wasp come strolling by, arm in arm, eating mangos, and talking about what great congressmen Cynthia McKinney and Carol Mosely Braun are.

Hillary: Hey, you old rednecks aren't eating meat, are you? I can't wait to take all your football money and give it to the field hockey team. Well, that and the nude transvestite ice fishing team!

Raine: You lousy lesbo! Let me finish these ribs and i'll show you a thing or two.

In an amazing display of eating prowess, Raine stuffs the remaining 20 ribs into his mouth and five seconds later spits all the bones out.

Raine: Alright butchy, your carpet-munching, football-ruining days are numbered you pinko bitch! (He picks up the picnic table, with BigBee still sitting at it, and starts to swing it at Hillary. Unfortunately the table cracks apart under the weight of BigBee's girth.)

Raine: Well, goddamn this cheap wood. An Osmose table would never have cracked and wouldn't have spilled any of your vittles, Coach.

(Raine pulls an Osmose pressure-treated two-by-four from his back pocket and pummels the first dyke into a man-hating mess. He then goes into Billy Joe Jim Fred Bob's Eat Burger to give ol' Billy Joe Jim Fred Bob a good beating for not buying Osmose pressure-treated wood.)

BigBee: Remember, if the liberals want to ruin your football program, you fight back with some good ol' Osmose pressure-treated wood! If it ain't got the yellow label, it ain't worth a shit!

As they drive off into the sunset, Raine asks: Coach, do you think can go get some croissants? I'm still hungry.

Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial....

Posted by GT J.T. on July 16, 1997 at 15:56:16: from pearl.ge.com

We set the scene at the State of Georgia capital building where a day of legislation (OK, bullshitting is a better word, but go with the setting, OK?) is taking place. Our two heroes are sitting in the balcony where guests sit watching the "action."

Big O: "You know Jimmy, these are the biggest bunch of bullshitters I've ever seen."

Raine: "I know Coach. They's even bigger'n me."

Big O: "I don't know about that Jimmy...that's a pretty big statement."

Raine: "Yeah I guess you're right, Coach. You know somethin', Coach?"

Big O: "What's that, Jimmy?"

Raine: "I hate that fucker Tom Murphy. Sorry bastard tried laying legislation on us years back."

Big O (again starting to sound like Raine): "Whaddya talkin' 'bout Jimmuh?"

Raine: "Well Coach, you know the State of Georgia doesn't require inspection stickers for cars like most states and well, we companies involved in the pulp wood industry have been fightin' it for years."

Big O: "Whacha talkin' 'bout now, Jimmy?"

Raine: "Well Coach, have you ever seen a pulpwood truck?"

Big O: "Nope. We don't have that kinda thing in Atlanta. What's it like?"

Raine: "Well Coach, let's just say it ain't gone pass no inspection. Nope. I'd like to bash that fucker right up side the head with a two-by-four of pressure-treated wood from Osmose."

Big O: "I'll help you, Jimmy. (now looking into the camera) Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you'd like to bash the skull of some dildo politician who's trying to cut in on your business, make sure you use pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if you bash someone up side the head with a piece of wood and it breaks instead of hurting them, it ain't Osmose."

We end the scene with a chickenshit Tom Murphy (played of course by Hugh Hardison) running through the State Senate floor with Raine chasing him with an Osmose two-by-four.

Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial...

Posted by GT J.T. on July 17, 1997 at 10:03:01: from pearl.ge.com

We set the scene just outside the GT Locker Room where the Jackets lost a heartbreaker in Tallywacker to the Noles because of a very poor call by the refs (insert "here go the Teckies whining about the officials again" message here). Our heroes are having a discussion. Let's listen in....

Raine: "Tough game, Coach."

Big O: "Yeah, Jimmy. Tough loss. The kids are in the dressing room cryin' their eyes out."

Raine: "Yeah, Coach. We had a chance for a big upset there if not for that call by the ref."

Big O: "Goddamn salesbastards from North Carolina."

Raine: "Ya know what, Coach?"

Big O: "What's that, Jimmy?"

Raine: "I think we can whack them salesbastards with a good ol' piece of pressure-treated wood from Osmose and knock them into the middle of next footnad season. How 'bout it?"

Big O: "Sounds good Jimmy. Get Hardison to do it. He knows all them dickheads."

Raine: "Will do Coach."

Big O (looking into the camera): "Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you'd like to beat the shit out of an ACC ref or just scare the hell out of one, use pressure-treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if they ain't scared, you ain't usin' Osmose."

We end the scene with the official (the real thing, not Hugh Hardison playing him this time) who gave that Maryland guy the interception near the sidelines as we were driving for a TD screaming in agony as the real Hugh Hardison is bashing his brains out with Osmose.

What a setup!! Thanks beebee. Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial....

Posted by GT J.T. on July 17, 1997 at 10:59:14: from pearl.ge.com

In Reply to: darwin award candidate posted by beebee on July 17, 1997 at 10:34:26:

We set the scene at a rural dirt road in South Georgia (geesh, think of all the choices you have!) with both our heroes in Georgia Power clothes and hard hats. Raine is high in the air trying to repair a power line and the Big O is on the ground drinking some brew...

Raine yelling: "Hey Coach, throw me one of them there Milwaukee's Bests, OK?"

Big O yelling: "Sure thing Jimmy. Here ya go (throws a can 50 feet in the air to Jimmy). How many is that for ya now Jimmy?"

Raine yelling: "This is my eighth one Coach. But I gotta pee somethin' fierce."

Big O (sounding drunk) yelling: "Whip it out and let 'er flyyyyyyy."

Raine yelling: "Out here Coach, you sure?"

Big O yelling: "Ahhhh shit Jimmy, ain't nobody 'round here. Don't nobody live down here but alligators and fireants."

Raine (relieving himself as the stream falls a good 50 feet -- closeup of his face here): "Aaaaaaahhhh. Damn that feels good."

About that time a car drives up and Raine, in his haste to stop and put away his Johnson (which we all know is impossible after drinking beer...you can't just cut it off like tap water...you gotta shake, shake, shake that weeenie), pisses on a live wire, which jolts him a good 20 feet into the air, and then falls to the ground with multiple injuries.

Big O: "Jimmy, Jimmy, are you awright?"

Raine (mumbling in pain): "Just say something about Osmose and let's get the farge outta here, OK Coach? My Johnson hurts."

Big O: "Hey Georgia Tech fans, this is a Public Service Announcement from the good folks from Osmose. Don't ever pee on a live electric wire. It will fryyyyyy your Johnson somethin' fierce. Remember if you ain't using Osmose, you're probably using some bamboo shit from Thailand or something."

We end the scene with two South Georgia farm girls (who were in the car that drove up) with their Daisy Dukes on stroking Raine's Johnson while he's smiling and enjoying a Milwaukee's Best while the Big O is pissing in the back ground.

Now, you may be saying, "Do we really need a PSA to remind people not to pee on live wires?" Hey, I'm from South Georgia originally. And even SG Reck would agree that in some parts of the State of GA, yes, this is needed!!

Feel like I am entering a sonnet contest with William Shakespeare, but what the farge...

Posted by GT Dennis(tm) on July 17, 1997 at 13:11:19: from hancockd.eglin.af.mil

My Osmose(tm) treated lumber entry...

We find our heroes, BigBee (BB) & Jimmy Raine (JR) on the set of the epic feature film Techbert(tm) of the Jungle in between scenes. In the background we can hear the film star's keeper throwing a monstrous temper tantrum in his trailer perched high up in a tree, with his faithful pet elephant Shep (play by Jon Carman) and his Ape friend, (played by the Guentinator) consoling him. Mtn Wasp and his main squeeze, HRC, are barely visible in the background, checking the structural integrity of the Techbert's three-story tree castle.

JR (eating a side of BBQ'd water buffalo): Damn, those fargin Hollywood types are temperamental, aren't they? What is Techbert so upset about, Coach? Ain't he getting paid 120 million dollars and getting 15% of the profit from all revenue-generating products for his six weeks of work?

BB (with five Chick-Fil-A's in his hands): Not sure Jimmy, I think it has something to do with Braine trying to cancel the UGA series and replace them with them with Arkansas State. Fargin pisses me off too. BTW, when did you learn how to say revenue.

JR (in between bites of water buffalo): During my moon shining days we had to skeeedaddle ...

All of a sudden the tree castle collapses and Mtn and HRC start falling helplessly to their doom. The Guentinator, with lightning-fast quickness and strength, snatches Mtn from certain death.... HRC hits the ground like a sack of potatoes. All the time we can still hear Techbert ranting about the UGA series being terminated for Arkansas State. Jon Carman lumbers over to see what all the commotion is, and inadvertently sits down on HRC.

BB (with a proud father look on his face, walks over to the Guentinator and looks at Mtn): Damn. You look suspiciously like the fellow who has been coaching our bb team of late.....

Before he can finish his thought...there are 12 personal injury (in deference to our criminal lawyer loving whacko) attorneys on scene passing out business cards. All of a sudden Techbert, thinking that this is all some ad lib for the film, swings from his jungle trailer with a two-by-four firmly gripped in one hand and a jungle vine in the other. He makes quick work of all 12 and flashes a smile for the camera.

JR (looking at the tree castle debris): Damn Coach, this ain't no Osmose(tm) pressure-treated lumber.

BB (looking at the camera): Hey sports fans, nothing works like Osmose(tm) pressure-treated lumber for building tree houses or bashing in the skulls of personal injury lawyers. Remember, if it don't have the yellow label on it, don't buy it.

Whatdya mean, in the BACKGROUND???

Posted by Mtn Wasp on July 17, 1997 at 18:49:07:

In Reply to: Feel like I am entering a sonnet contest with William Shakespeare, but what the farge posted by GT Dennis(tm) on July 17, 1997 at 13:11:19:

My vision of an O'Smose entry would be... (insert wavy lines across your screen here):

That BigBee and Raine would do their version of an SNL/Michael Myers SPROCKETS skit.

Lights go up and we see a small set with three metal chairs.

Two chairs are occupied by BigBee and Raine. They are wearing skin-tight, jet-black turtleneck shirts and stretch stirrup pants. Their hair is died jet-black, and greased back slick. They are wearing Tevas.

BigBee, with a hybrid German/bronx accent, says "I am unt Big Beeheisel, ent todays show is pure fabulous agony, like working a blocking sled laden with razor blades. Mmmmmm. Eh, lumbar-refining, nihilist friend?"

Raine: "Ya, I am erect with anicipation, like my finest two-by-four."

BigBee: "Our first guest is Booby Cremins, who treats his masochistic legion to the most delightful agonies. I am as excited as a little girl"

Cremins enters and sits in the unoccupied chair:

Cremins: "I was just having befas with Hawpon, twying to decide between the zone pwess or what!"

Raine and BigBee stare in blank silence at the coach.

BigBee: "Tell us that you will be using even less of your scholarships in the future, Coach."

Meanwhile Raine is pinching his own nipples...

Cremins: "Why yes, I see no weason to have more than four..."

BigBee interrupts: "Your conversation has become tiresome... Would you like to touch our monkey?"

Raine points to a small table on which Ron Rogers squats, wearing nothing but a black jock strap, noggin condom and a collar with leash held by BigBee.

Cremins approaches the table where Rogers bounds around excitedly and tries to bite the ear of the coach.

BigBee: "Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance."

A mechanistic Techno tune begins to blare as BigBee, Raine, Cremins, Rogers begin to do their best Techno/Egytian dance rendition. Enter the Fartekers, clad in black, to join the dance.

Fade to black...

My Osmose commercial(G version/Profiler approved?)

Posted by BSBuzz on July 18, 1997 at 10:13:27: from 152.163.232.27

The scene: Orange Beach, AL. Himmicane Danny has struck with full force. Destruction and devastation are occurring everywhere. Condos are crumbling, cars, roofs, animals and people are flying through the air. In the middle of all this sits a little beach house completely untouched. It's made entirely of Osmose treated lumber. Sitting on the front porch are Coach O and Jimmy Raine eating boiled shrimp and being waited on by Dolly. There isn't even a hint of a breeze.

Jimmy: "Dolly, it sure is hot on this here porch. Would you please turn on the fan."

Coach O (While ogling Dolly's cleavage): "It sure was nice of BSBuzz to let us use his beach house for the weekend. I especially like his house keeper."

At this point Steve Superior flies by, visor in hand, arms and legs flailing.

Jimmy: "Hi Steve. (and then to coach O) Damn that man is rude. After all the free Osmose lumber I've slipped him, the least he could do is stop and visit for a spell."

Coach O: "Oh, he's just in a hurry, trying to recruit Tyler Watts before Bobby gets him."

Jimmy: "Say Coach, I really like the building material BSBuzz used on this here beach house. It sure is sturdy."

Coach O (turning to the camera): "Folks, don't buy one of those $300,000 concrete and steel condos that crumble in a little ol' Himmicane like Danny. Get yourself a beach house made out of Osmose specially treated lumber. If it don't have a bunch of little yellow tags all over it you don't want it."

Jimmy: "Dolly, bring us some more shrimp and explain that "eye of the Himmicane" theory of yours again."

Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial...

Posted by GT J.T. on July 18, 1997 at 14:48:19: from 192.35.39.38

We set the scene TONIGHT at Turner Field with our heroes standing outside the Bravos' dugout and watching batting practice...

Big O: "Wow, this place is beautiful ain't it, Jimmy?"

Raine: "Suuuuuuuure is, Coach."

Big O: "Jimmy, that Blauser sure is an ugly son of a bitch, ain't he?"

Raine: "Whaddya mean, Coach?"

Big O: "Well, he's not as ugly as that ET-looking Willie McGee guy, but Blauser ain't got no lips."

Raine (looking closely at Blauser): "You know Coach, you're right. I don't see no lips on that boy."

Big O: "Damn, that's sad."

Raine: "Suuuuuure is, Coach. I'd hate to have to go through life without no lips."

Big O: "Ought to make kissing ass real difficult."

Raine: "I'd be out of a job, Coach."

Big O: "Man, look at these Dodgers pound these homers in practice."

Raine: "Oh, that ain't no surprise Coach. They're using specially built bats made out of pressure-treated wood from Osmose and some cork that I use catfishin' down in a pond near Tifton."

Big O: "I knew it had to be something going on. (now looking into the camera...) Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you really need to win to keep your job or are in the last year of your contract and need to bat 100 points over your career average so you can nail down a five-million-dollar contract, use bats made from pressure-treated wood and Jimmy's fishing cork from Osmose. Remember, if it ain't Osmose, you're probably using something legal."

We end the scene with Jimmy and the Big O drinking a brew with Ted Turner (played by Hugh Hardison), who is saying something like "Well aaaaaaahhhh, what in the hell is Osmose? Aaaaaaahhhhhh".

A Trial Osmose Commercial

Posted by Profiler on July 18, 1997 at 16:42:33: from 207.69.249.100

Aside from the drip of BBQ sauce on Jimmy Raine's collar, all is picture perfect on the split rail fence outside Mama Manuko's BBQ Palace & Grill near Valdoster, Georgia. Raine's leaning on the fence in the shade as Father O'Flaherty walks up, having just finished his lunch of Manuko's BBQ salad & Mudbottom pie. Our crusaders begin to chat. Let's eavesdrop.......

Coach: Hey, Jimmy! Whatcha Doin?

Jimmy: Watchin' them two dawgs diggin', Coach. Why you s'pose they're diggin, Coach?

Coach: They're trying to dig up their bones, Jimmy. Dawgs are always burying their bones cause they like it. Plus they like to sit around chewin on their bones and lickin' 'em a lot. Let's watch those dawgs try to get their dirty bones back, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Whatchamean, Coach?

Coach: Well, Jimmy, ya gotta study dawgs like I have. Dawgs like to play with their master. When their master's around, they like to chase their balls. But when their master's not around they like to lick their bone, chew their bone and they bury it any ol' place they can find. Sometimes they bury it in such disgusting places that it rots. And sometimes they drag it around through all kinds of bushes 'n such. Hell, half the time they lose their bone 'til they want to lick it again.

Jimmy: Why, hell, Coach. We should give those dogs wooden bones!

Coach: Yep, Jimmy, we should. But the SPCA will be after us, for sure, if we don't give 'em Osmose bones. See, regular wood bones'll leave splinters in their mouths, and we wouldn't want that! A dawg wouldn't know what to do without his bone in his mouth. Jimmy, you better round up a couple of pressure-treated bones for those two dawgs over there.

Jimmy: Gottcha, Coach!

Father O'Flaherty, the steely-eyed coach (looking into the camera): "Hey, Georgia Tech Fans! If you'd like to keep a dawg happy, keep his bone in his mouth. And make sure he has the yellow tag stapled onto the end of his bone. That's why you're Yellow Jackets and that's why they're dawgs. Remember, if their bone isn't pressure-treated, they can't use it!"

We close the commercial with a scene at Alexander Memorial of Yellow Jacket D holding dawgs down as they staple yellow tags onto the end of dawg bones.

Another OSMOSE commercial

Posted by Hunker Down on July 22, 1997 at 14:42:38: from 167.192.8.139

Here is my first attempt at an Osmose commercial...

We set our scene on a high school practice field in South Georgia. Coach Jim "Top Dawg" Donnan and Coach George "Big O" O'Leary are standing and watching "Boss" Bailey work out. Jimmy Raine looks on from behind the two men, wearing a yellow shirt and matching yellow pants with a white belt. His yellow teeth grin with small pieces of yellow hot dog stuck in between them. He has a yellow mustard stain on his cheek and his (just dyed) yellow hair glints in the sun.

"Boss" runs the 40 in sub 3.7 seconds...

Coach O: "That's the fastest sumnabeech I've ever seen."

Coach D: "That's right coach ... and he's gonna be wearing red and black next year."

Coach O: "Oh yeah, well you're gonna be black and blue after I finish beating you with my two-by-four of OSMOSE pressure-treated wood." The Big O pulls out an OSMOSE pressure-treated two-by-four.

Coach D: "Oh yeah, well Jimmy here's gonna hafta carry your ass back to the Reck after I finish beating you with MY two-by-four of OSMOSE pressure-treated wood." Coach D pulls out an OSMOSE pressure-treated two-by-four.

Jimmy: "Coach, I don't think I can ca..."

Coach D: "Shut up, Jimmy"

At this point Steve Spurrious and Bobby Bowdown arrive on the scene. "Boss" runs the 40 in 3.5 seconds while carrying 200 pounds.

Visor Boy and the Saint watch our two heros glowering at each other and then start making plans to carve up the state of Georgia.

Coach D: "Get the hell out of here, you bastiges."

Caoch O: "Yeah, make like cheap panty hose and run."

Visor Boy and the Saint turn around, drop trou and moon the boys. Jimmy gasps. Our two heroes take their two-by-fours and slap both of them back to the Sunshine state.

They turn and squint at the camera:

"Remember boys and girls, OSMOSE pressure-treated wood is the best way to keep unwanted pests from invading your home."

Yet ANOTHER Osmose commercial...

Posted by GT J.T. on July 24, 1997 at 14:25:34: from 192.35.39.38

We set the scene with our heroes helping build a gazebo at the Branch Stoopidian Compound...let's listen in...

Big O (acting like he's building something): "Hey Jimmy, wanna gimme a hand here?"

Raine: "Suuuuuure thing, Coach. You know I ain't too suuuuuure about these cults, Coach."

Big O: "I know whacha mean, Jimmy. These gys are pretty scary. Can you believe they actually scream and holler at the Georgia Tech games?"

Raine: "You're shittin' me, Coach. I didn't think you's allowed to do dat, Coach."

Big O: "Yeah. They got this gy named Stoopid or something like that. You seen him?"

Raine (pointing at a gy with a legendary Johnson): "Well...Coach. That man over thar said the gy with 25 babes from the Cheetah around him and with that rubber on his head is the leader. Let's go talk to him."

Big O: "Can't do it, Jimmy. I'm 'fraid he'd hypnotize me or something."

Raine: "I'll tell ya what, Coach. I'll go talk to him, but you back me up, OK?"

Big O: "OK, Jimmy. If he starts getting you ta eatin' slim jims, wearin' a rubber on your head and drinkin' that Guiness beer, I'll smack him over the head with a good ol' two-by-four of pressure-treated wood from Osmose."

We end the scene. Yes, no looking into the camera and saying "Hey Georgia Tech fans..." We're going for one of those "story" commercials where everything just freeze frames with a TO BE CONTINUED message. You know, kinda like that fargin' dumb-A series of commercials that Maxwell House or Folgers or one of those faaaaaaaaaag coffee companies keeps doin' with the 50-something fox who keeps leading on two English-speaking faaaaaaaaags.

Disclaimer: I was totally against this idea. However, Mrs. JT says that I am totally insensitive. I did it for her, dammit. (That's a crock of schlitz, btw! I moved a dead cat off the road after I ran over his ass the other day. THAT's sensitive isn't it?) ;>)

Virginal attempt at Osmose commercial while the master of the medium is away.

Posted by TekReek78 on July 26, 1997 at 14:20:45: from 152.163.213.151

Please keep in mind I've never seen a real one!

Our episode begins in South Georgia just after Big O, Jimmy Raine, and Donnan have run Visor Boy and "Aw Shucks" Bobby out of the state. Arriving in the small town of Enigma to visit prized recruit Billy Bob Takawira, they see Billy Bob throwing footballs across a field, shattering two-by-fours held up by his father.

Big O: Jimmy, I believe that's the strongest arm I've ever seen.

Raine: Well, Coach, you know that's not Osmose.

O'Leary: Huh?!

Donnan: He's gonna look great between the hedges next fall. That boy was born to be a Dawg.

Big O: That boy's half Oriental and a straight-A student. He wouldn't be caught dead at Ugaly! He's a natural for Tech!

Donnan: His Mama's a third generation Dawg!

Billy Bob, shouting from the field: What'd you say about my Mama?

Big O and Donnan commence whacking each other with the two-by-fours they're still carrying from the last incident. Billy Bob and his dad stop their workout and approach.

Raine: Look coach, the old guy's wearing one o' them white pie-jama things. Is he some kind of nancy boy?

Donnan and Big O stop whacking and look up at the pair.

Mr. Takawira: O'Leary-san, Donnan-san, this is without honor. You have disgraced yourselves.

Billy Bob holds up a two-by-four and his father breaks it with a karate chop.

Mr. Takawira: That is how you settle dispute with honor. And I take winner to Jack Dempsey's Barbecue for all you can eat. Donnan-san, you will go first.

Raine, overcome with desire for Jack Dempsey's barbecued goat, grabs O'Leary's Osmose two-by-four and hands it to the kid.

Donnan: What's that yellow tag for?

Big O, slyly: It's not yellow, it's Old Gold. You wouldn't understand.

Donnan smashes his forehead into the two-by-four, denting it and falling to ground unconscious. Billy Bob picks up a new Lowes two-by-four from the stack beside the double-wide. O'Leary slams it into his protruding belly and it splinters into 622 pieces.

Takawira, beaming: O'Leary-san, you are the man!

In our next scene, Big O, Jimmy, and Billy Bob are stuffing their faces with barbecued goat and cornbread.

Jimmy (looking into the camera with barbecue sauce dripping from his chin): Remember folks, if it ain't got the yellow tag, it ain't Osmose. It's probably some shiite from Lowes that can't stand up to a belly bashin'.

Billy Bob: I thought it was Old Gold.

Big O, laughing: You wouldn't understand, son.

Fade to black.

Osmose at the Beach....

Posted by Gizmo on August 08, 1997 at 12:31:54: from 130.109.127.70

Scene: Coach O'Leary and Jimmy Raine lounging on a couple of Adirondack chairs somewhere on the Gulf Coast after recruiting a new recruit's mother. (They know who makes the final say where a kid will go). A beach VB game is going on a flat about 30 feet away.

Jimmy: (grimacing) Ya know, Coach....that was a pretty good job you did back there....but, are sure you can find a husband for that daughter of her's....damn she was ugly.

BigBee: (nodding) Yep, I know ugly when I see it....and she was uglier than that offense we ran last year. Gonna take a lot of work....But, I'll do it if that'll boy'll sign.

(Two VB players walk up...juggling a ball. One has his hair pulled back into a pony tail extending half way down his back. The other has mohawk and a ring through his right nipple. Coach O'Leary and Jimmy look at each other confusingly)

Vbplayer1: Hey Duuudes! You guys got downs.....

Jimmy: Huh?

Vbplayer2: Yeah, one of those bozo's we were playing got a willy and can't go. You guys......

BigBee: Whoa...young fellow! Do we look like VB players????

Vbplayer1: (thinking an insult will get'em to play) Pops......just want to hit it around a little. We see you two are roley polies.

BigBee: Looks like you need someone to kick your ass!

Vbplayer2: Don't blow a wafer Pops! You guys game???

Jimmy: (looking at BigBee) Listen here! We ain't playing anything with a couple of fag boys....

BigBee: (standing up and lifting his chair over his head -- the 2 VP players run off)

Jimmy: Good move Coach....couple of axwipes!

BigBee: (BigBee looking at camera) Folks, whether you're gonna lounge around or beat the shiite out of fag boys, be sure to use pressure-treated wood from Osmose.

A (genuflect, genuflect) Notre Dame Osmose commercial

Posted by Stoopid Gy on August 07, 1997 at 15:30:55: from 166.42.135.33

I think it's about time to expose the (genuflect, genuflect) ND folks to some good ol' Osmose action.

We set the scene in South Bend on September 6th about 7:30 in the evening. Our heroes Jimmy Raine and the Big O are strolling along the 50-yard line after Tech's 60-12 pasting of (genuflect, genuflect) Notre Dame. All the scoring was TD's but the pathetic kicking games of both programs failed to produce an extra point.

Jimmy - "Gee coach, you shur put a whoopin' on them arrogant (genuflect, genuflect) Noter Dame bastards!"

Big O - "Guess so Jimmy. Good thing for them I'm Irish or we may have REALLY taken it to them. Make that Cumberland score look like a yawner."

Jimmy - "Ya know coach, this place yoosta be kinna nice."

Big O - "What do you mean Jimmy? Before they expanded the stadium?"

Jimmy - "Naw. I mean 'fore the whole upper deck came a fallin' down on all them (genuflect, genuflect) Noter Dame alums."

Big O - "Yeah, I guess that quadruple reverse we had 352-pound Jon Carman run in for a TD on the first play got our fans pretty excited up there."

Jimmy - "Purty sneaky coach! I think maybe they dint use Osmose Pressure Treated Wood in thar recent 'spantion either"

Big O - "Could be. Hey Georgia Tech fans, if you're planning on doing some stadium expansion at the ol' homestead, you better remember two things: Be responsible and get yourself a competent engineer from Georgia Tech. Also, be sure to use Osmose Pressure-Treated Wood for all your building needs. If it don't have the yellow tag on it, believe me, you don't want it.

As the Big O is finishing his pitch, we see the Ramblin' Reck speeding by in the background. Camera follows the Reck and finds Stoopid Gy at the wheel and BSBuzz in the passenger seat. BSBuzz is looking out the back.

Stoopid Gy - "Damn, those little leprechaun bastards are tough to hit."

BSBuzz with a look of terror in his eyes - "That's 'cause of all those damn Guinnesses you had, you dumbass!"

Camera pans to our ND friend Scrapple examining the remains of said leprechaun.

Scrapple - "Hmmm. If pieces of parts of pork no one else will eat thrown in the deep fryer will work, leprechaun might be mighty tasty."

Stoopid Gy yelling back - "YOU COULD EVEN SAY MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!!"

O'ops (yet another Osmose commercial).

Posted by BSBuzz on August 07, 1997 at 09:03:56: from 208.222.58.155

The scene: Coach O is whittling on an Osmose two-by-four. Piled next to his feet are a bunch of wooden objects. They look a lot like a baby's pacifier but bigger, plus the nipple looks more like a pear. A pear with a stem attached to wide base might be a good description. Up walks our hero Jimmy Raine.

Jimmy: "Whatca doin Coach, and what's them strange things you done made outta my fine Osmose wood?

Coach O: "Supplementing my income, Jimmy, and them's a handy a little device I invented. I call it, O'leary's orifice plugging system, or, O'ops for short."

Jimmy: "What they good fur Coach?"

Coach O: "They're for stopping blunders or at least limiting them."

Jimmy: "How's it work?"

Coach O: "Well, with one of these inserted in a person's mouth, it is impossible to say anything or do anything with your mouth that will get you in trouble or you'll later regret. Let's say you're, or perhaps a friend is, fixing to say something really dumb. Just slap in an O'ops and you/he can't say a thing. Embarrassment or worse is avoided."

Jimmy: "I see."

Coach O: "If Visor Boy had one of these he never would've said that Free Shoes University stuff or those bad things about them Vandabillie fans or any of the thousands of other stupid things he's said."

Jimmy: "Yeah Coach, If Mike Tyson had one of these, Evander's ears would still be intact!"

Coach O: "Of course, sometimes you just can't react fast enough to stop the initial stupid words, but go ahead and insert an O'ops anyway. It will keep the situation from getting worse, plus with an O'ops in your/his mouth you look so silly and pathetic everyone tends to forget the stupid thing you/he just said."

Jimmy: "Can the fellas over on the Hive use an O'ops?"

Coach O "Why sure. Just insert anO'ops at an appropriate location in a post and everyone will get the message."

Jimmy: "You know, Coach, the world surrrrre would be a better place if everyone used one of these here O'ops."

Coach O, turning to the camera: "Remember folks, use only the authentic O'Leary's orifice plug system (O'ops), made out of 100% Osmose pressure-treated wood. They won't leave splinters in your mouth or swell up, making removal difficult."

Coach O and Jimmy with their backs to the camera and walking away:

Jimmy: "Coach, these things good for anything else?"

Coach O: "Yes Jimmy, butt I don't think you want that on one of your commercials."

A dawgie-style Osmose commercial...

Posted by GT J.T. (192.35.39.38) on August 14, 1997 at 14:42:55:

We set the scene with my hero Jimmy Raine and your hero Jim Donn_n at a local bar in Athens...

Raine:
"Hey Coach, how's it hangin'?"

Donn_n:
"Ohhhhh not to good today, Jimmy."

Raine:
"Well what's wrong, Coach?"

Donn_n:
"Well Jimmy, I was petting ol' Uga after practice yesterdee and he got a lil' excited and went and bit my weenie."

Raine:
"Ouch Coach. That suuuuuuuuuure musta hurt."

Donn_n:
"It did Jimmy. And to make matters worse, they got a picture of it on the front page of that damn Dawg Vent."

Raine:
"I thought that was Uga's tongue hangin' out his mouth."

Donn_n:
"Yeah right, Jimmy. That ain't no tongue boy and you know it."

Raine:
"Well Coach, I know somethin' that'll make ya feel better."

Donn_n:
"What's that, Jimmy?"

Raine:
"Come on over here. CyberDawg's done got his pinata hangin' up. Take a few swings at it with a 2 by 4 of pressure treated wood from Osmose."

Donn_n (now smiling...breaks it open with one shot as porn video tapes starring Groo come falling out): "Heeeeeeeeeeey. (now looking at the camera...) Hey Georgia fans, if you're down and out or limping because your weenie has been bitten off by your team mascot OR if you just need some luck in beating South Carolina and you need CyberDawg's pinata, make sure you break that sucker open with pressure treated wood from Osmose. Remember, if it ain't Osmose, it's probably some bamboo shit or something from Thailand."

We end the scene with Uga trying to bite the weenie off of CyberDawg's pinata. ;>)

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